Hard to love
by ThousandsOfStars
Summary: Starting right after Terminus the fate of Daryl and Carol is following a different storyline, when things are happening, that are pulling the lifelines of both together. Tighter and tighter, until they have to face the truth. Will they let each other see behind their walls? To really see each other and let them in? [Rated M for later development of the storyline]
1. Now and then

**A/N: Hi all, this is kind of a test. I wrote this FF in german and it is completed on a german FFside. I was curious if its possible for me to translate it. So please be invited as my laboratory animal to test if its worth to translate the whole story.**

 **Just to give you an overview - this story starts right after Terminus and leads to Alexandria, so season 5 if you want to see it this way. It will include a little smut, a little drama and lots of Caryl.**

 **I'm no native speaker so you might find grammar issues and a mixture of british and american english. Sorry for that in advance! I hope you will enjoy it at least a little. And if you like i would appreciate your thoughts on this.**

 **Have a nice weekend!**

 **[And of course I earn nothing from this work and do not own The Walking Dead]  
**

 **Now**

Her eyes were closed. The lack of space made her shiver. She hated being trapped like this. They were standing in this too small room and were forced to touch each other, due to the tightness, although both very much like to avoid a contact like this. With closed eyes her senses were so much stronger than normal. More sensitive than normal. She could smell him, a mixture of cigarette, bonfire and leather. She could feel him. Due to the lack of space their knees, legs, hips, the whole upper part of their bodies were pressed together. She could hear the walkers, moaning and stumbling around outside of this hideout.

Her breath accelerated. The whole situation was so unaccustomed, awkward but also very thrilling. He always had this charisma of security, no matter in which situation they were stucked. Even now he could feel his breath on her cheek. Warm and soft and calm.

Suddenly a shot broke the silence. It was outside, not so far away. She lifted her head, looked him directly in the eyes. It was exactly this moment in which she realised, how close they were. Their noses nearly made contact. His eyes were on her. Although it was very dark in here she could see it. Feel it. His pupils were dilated, they coloured his eyes nearly black. He was like a predator, completely tense and always prepared. But why was she feeling as if she were the bait?

Besides his tension she could feel her own too. But it was changing. At first it was sorrow, the adrenaline that had rushed through her veins before the attack and thoughts of escaping. But now it was none of that. It was different. Daryl was different. He lifted his hand to her cheek, slowly rubbing it with his thumb. She instantly enjoyed the sensation it was creating and snuggled into his touch. This little gesture, and surely he was just trying to comforting her, let the outside disappear, even the moaning of the walkers.

A tingling feeling, which she hadn't felt in years, spread from this thumb to her neck and down her spine. They didn't spoke a word and of course they didn't need to. It was like one soul in two bodies. They understood each other on a very different, nonverbal level. And now his face came close to hers. She could sense every wrinkle, every scratch, every scar, every spot on him. His hair tickled her face. And all she could do about it was to close her eyes and let it happen. From all this adrenaline, all this tickeling from his closeness and the cocktail of feelings inside her she nearly got overwhelmed. She felt him like she was oversensitive or his presence was way too much for her to bear.

His lips nearly met hers when someone tear the door open to their little hideout. Both startled and instantly Daryl shoved his arm protectively over her body as if he wanted to push her behind him.

"Did I interrupted you?" , a sardonic voice asked and they looked right into the barrel of a rifle, which was pointed on them.

 **Before**

Daryl and Carol were on watch duty. It was night, a very dark night and they were sitting on a rock, which they found a few minutes away from the church, straight in the woods. The smell of damp earth and pine needle filled the air.

They were completely silent. Listening to the sounds of the night. But it was not an awkward silence. It was more like a speechless agreement not to talk.

Daryl was watching her. He noticed that Carol had changed. Banning her from the prison and all those unspoken things that happened, when she was with Tyreese, had changed her. It was like a dark aura that surrounded her and that was unfamiliar. He was a hunter. He could see and sense things, which wasn't obvious to others. And Carol appealed dark, dreary and desperate.

He watched her. Not like a predator would observe his bait, but like a friend who tried to help.

"I don't want to talk about it." Carols voice was determined and a little cold. Of course she recognized his glances. The unspoken question. But she wasn't ready to talk about what happened with Lizzie and Mika yet. The pain was buried too deep in her heart, like a wound gaped open which didn't want to heal. All those memories of what happened in the grove, even the things that reminded her of Sophia were still aching so much that she often thought she was only on step away from insanity. And not only her heart was aching. It was her complete soul. Heavy from the weight of all those unspoken things.

"Mmmm", Daryl grumbled. Sooner or later she would talk about it. And if not, if she could make her peace somehow without speaking, it was just fine. He would not urge or push her to anything. He just was so grateful that she came back.

A crackling sound in the undergrowth draw their attention.

With just one fluid movement Daryl had his crossbow in position, all his senses on high alert, listening into the dark. Carol was holding her breath, watching how he slowly moved to the direction where the crackling came from. He was moving like a cat, his movement smooth and noiseless on the ground. Carol pushed her rifle into position. Adrenaline was pulsing through her body. Although Daryl could not have seen that she was pointing her rifle into the darkness now, he gave her a sign to stay back. To stay safe.

Somebody was there. She could feel something like a presence. And she could see that Daryl was feeling it as well, the tension of his body was obvious, even in the dark of the night. He moved forward, deeper into the wood until the darkness absorbed him and Carol could not hear or see him anymore.

Her heartbeat was loud in her own ears. Even her breath. A bad feeling was growing in her stomach and got bigger and bigger. She could her nothing. She was all on her own, abandoned with a kind of foreshadowing that something was about to happen.


	2. Departure

**a/n: Hey all, thanks for your sweet comments and checking my story out. 3 I'm really thankful for it. So here is chapter number 2 with best wishes, strong nerves, a lots of love for this night. I hope you all are watching with someone to hug and comfort you.**

 **Departure**

Carol was staring into the darkness. She tried to control her breath, to keep calm and to just listen into the gloom of the night.

„Carol!", she heard Daryl whispering. It was like a prompt. After als this time he spent with him she could sort every pitch of his voice.

She rose and followed his words into the gloomy wood.

Suddenly his hand was reaching out to hers and he pulled her into a kind of cover behind a bush. She saw what he had detected. A car, a station wagon, was standing on the road which parted the wood. A white cross flaunted on the rear window. There was not much more to see in the dark of the night.

Carol glanzed at him quizzically.

„A car with a white cross took Beth. Just like this." He kept his explanation short.

Carol nodded. She understood. And she could see how the thoughts behind his forehead were working. He surely had a plan.

„Where are they?", Carol was asking nearly noiseless.

Daryl pointed wordless to another car, a hundred feet away at the roadside. Right beside a cabin. She could see the glow of flashlights through the windows. Without any futher hesitation Daryl grabbed her hand, tightly and determined. „Come."

There was no reason to question his decision. She could guess, what he wanted to do. Together they sneaked to the car with the white cross on the rear window. They were lucky it wasn't locked. But who locked any car at times like these? Walkers surely couldn't open it.

Daryl contrived to open the trunk nearly without any redundant sound. It was empty, only a few blankets and empty plastic bottles were lying jumbled in it.

Fortunately it was a station wagon.

Daryl pointed her to climb into the trunk. Carol didn't hesitate. Finally she sat with tucked legs, leaning against the back of the back seat. Her rifle, that she still was holding, pointed now right to the opening of the trunk. Always in defense.

With a low moan he squeezed right into the small space beside her. He positioned himself as she did, the crossbow barely had enough room, without bumping into the side of the car.

„Can be opened from inside.", he murmured, as if he wanted to reassure her, and closed the hatchback.

It was dark and warm and very small. Daryls body always glowed like a running engine, she could feel his heat due to the confined space. Their shoulders and hips were touching and she sensed his tension. Without speaking they sat and listened.

„Wouldn't it be easier to catch 'em by surprise and get the answers we need?", whispered Carol while she was staring at the hatchback, on with the barrel of her rifle was pointing.

„No, right now we have the advantage. And if they need to open the trunk, we're firing. Surprise will be on our side this way.", he murmured.

She understood the way he was thinking. What his plan was. So she skipped any further discussion and leaned her head to the back of the back seat and tried to relax her body as much as possible. She was afraid of getting a cramp if she did not so.

They were waiting silently. It wasn't awkward. It never was with him. Carol hat no idea how much time had passed, when Daryl suddenly broke the silence between them.

„Hey," he whispered huskily. „I get it, you don't wanna talk about it. But whatever happened happened. We gotta start over. You gotta start over."

Even in the dark she was able to see his piercing glimpse. She could feel it.

Carol turned her head and catched his glance. She could hardly see anything. The darkness was kind of absolute in here. But her eyes got used to the darkness and so she was able to recognize his shape at least.

„I'm trying.", she whispered and bestowed him a weary smile.

Suddenly footsteps were approaching and Daryl and Carol tensed up synchronously. Would they open the trunk? The footsteps were getting louder and louder and they could hear the voices of two people conversing. But they were still too far away to understand the exactly wording.

Carol sighed voiceless as she registered, that they opened the drivers and passengers door. As the doors closed again they were able to learn what they were talking about.

„Fuck.", a male voice was ranting.  
„I knew from the start this couldn't be true. Let us head back." This was a female voice.

Even if she didn't doubt Daryls decision to hop into this car – this was the second when she realized why he decided so. The were able to overhear their conversation and find out if they knew anything about Beth.

„Number 11?", a voice croaked out of a radio.

Okay, obviously there were more people involved in kidnapping Beth.

„Copy! Was a dead end. Should we head back to Grady?", the female voice was answering to the radio.

Carol shrugged. Grady. A hospital in Atlanta. She rose her hand to softly touch Daryls arm. She gestured him, that she knew, what they were talking about. With a nod she glanced at him and he nodded back.

Someone started the engine.

„Not exactly. We heard gunfire. Came from the musem, just around the corner. Check that.", the voice croaked out of the radio again. It sounded like a woman but the background noise might have been misleading. The sound was pretty bad and muffled through the backseat in the trunk.

„Copy.", the woman in the car was answering and instantly the car sped up.

Atlanta was not far. But right now the trip seemed to last an eternity. Sitting in a trunk was more uncofortable than Carol thought before. Not that she ever thought about it. But her legs deadend and from the sitting position her butt seemed to follow her legs soon. She glanced Daryl from the corner of her eye. It was worth to admire that he sat in the same position the whole time and didn't move an inch. Even if it was uncomfortable or he had too little space – he gave nothing away.

The male and female voice talked trivial the whole time. Daryl and Carol were not able to pick out what they needed to hear. How many people held Beth captive? How much or how good were they armed? And why the hell did they kidnapped her?

But at least the knew now where they had to search for her. Carol was familar with the area. Atlanta was her second home, a lifetime away. It seemed so unreal, when she looked back from now. When she thought about Ed and everything that had been then. Not so much time had past since the last time she saw Ed but the memory faded away so quickly because of this crazy fucked up world. Sofia... The thought crossed her mind and shot a painful sting right through her heart. Instantly the memories of Mika and Lizzie were there too. Showing up before her inner eye. Carol closed her eyes and tried to breath the pain away.

Daryl nudged her softly with his arm and she looked at him. His shady shape seemed quizzical. She just nodded shortly to signalize him, that she was fine. Even if that wasn't exactly true. She swallowed the lump in her throat, turned her face and blinked the tears away. Carol tried to lock this feelings deep inside of her. She had to function right now. No time for unnecessary emotions. It was past. They would never come back. Any of them.

The car stopped and Carol startled. Adrenaline chased through her veins and instantly all her senses were present in the here and now.

„You first, I have your back.", the male voice said.

The woman was not answering but they could hear that both doors were opened and closed. Footsteps of two people removed fast. And again they didn't came to the trunk. Fortune.

Carol looked at Daryl quizzical. She guessed that he might want to get out now. Obviously there was not much more to get out of these people just by listening. They didn't know how much men they had at Grady and it surely was a risk to smuggle themselves into the hospital with this car. Even if Carol had been there very often. She remembered all the injuries Ed had caused. Physical and psychical pain.

Daryl sensed her glance and nodded. He rose his hand and showed her just one finger so she knew he wanted to wait one more minute. Just to be sure before they left the trunk.

„I know this area. If they parked the car right in front of the museum there is a shelter right around the corner. We should rest. Think about what to do next.", whispered Carol.  
„Mmmm." , hummed Daryl in a very low. „Lead the way."

At his sign, when he laid his hand on the lock of the hatchback to open it, Carol was ready to jump out. They had luck it was still night and without citylights very dark in the streets of Atlanta. Carols eyes did not have to adjust to the darkness. They already had, so she just had to orient herself and gave her legs a second to let the blood circulate through them again. She had a look at the entrance of the museum, but the woman and the man seemed to have disappeared in the dark building. She could not see any walker, nor hear or smell any. For some reason they had more luck than judgement today.

„Wait.", Daryl tried to call whispered, which sounds very hoarse. He positioned himself at the corner of the building, so that he could not be seen. Carol anticipated, that he wanted do see the people which drove the car. She positioned herself right behind him, so that she had his back and watched for walkers.

„Look.", he murmured suddenly.

Carol turned and looked past Daryl. Cops? The people who drove the car where cops? What the hell? Why should there be any cops in the middle of the end of the world in Atlanta?

They carried a unconscious figure, one grabbed the legs, one the arms, straight to the trunk. Would somebody do this if the person was dead? Carol furrowed her forehead. What the fuck were they doing?  
A petite woman opened the trunk. Lucky they weren't in there anymore. A very broad-shouldered man heaved the body into the trunk and closed it. Both jumped into the car without checking the surrounding any further and drove away, taking the direction obiously straight to Grady.

Carol catched Daryls glance. He shooked his had, looking puzzled as she did and without any idea what this scene meant. Wordless she pointed into the direction in which the shelter was situated. Finally they ran, rifle and crossbow ready in defense position, to the place Carol knew so well.


	3. Shelter

_AN: Hopefully everybody survived Sunday or Monday in Europe's case. :-/ I'm still in shock... I wish I could say this chapter is a fluffy one but it's not. Nevertheless I hope you enjoy it. I promise it will be the last chapter that close to the TV-storyline._

 **Shelter**

It took only a few minutes to reach the shelter Carol had in mind. They met only three walkers on their way and above all that the area seemed really quiet. Too quiet. Odd for a city in the middle of the end of the world.

Darkness was still swirling through the streets. Carol guessed it might be after midnight, when Daryl unlocked the door of the shelter. Silently they sneaked through the halls, checking the house for any walkers or other living.

„What's this?", Daryl murmured, not looking at her. He sneaked forward, the halls more contorted now, his crossbow always pointing to his heading direction. Carol followed him, the rifle likewise in position.

„Temporary housing.", she answered shortly. Quickly she swallowed all the memories, that came with this word. With this place. As if they were surfacing through the mist of her mind. Through the mist which mercifully helped her to suppress the pictures. Incidentally Daryl headed directly to the room in which Sophia and she held out a few nights.

„You came here?", he asked, eying her with anxiously. After all he knew about her life he shouldn't be surprised, Carol thought.

„Yeah. But we didn't stayed." She didn't answered his glance, as if to show him that she didn't want to talk about it.

The room was furnished pretty simple. Just a bunk bed, a dresser, a table and two chairs. No comfort. They put their backpacks down and prepared for the night. Or more precisely for what was left of it.

„I take first watch.", she said very firmly while looking out of the small window. She could only see the inner yard, which only was a small place on the roof of a smaller building. It was dull, dark and depressing. The very first signs of dawn showed up in the east.

„Sure? You should sleep." He raised one eyebrow when he contemplated her. As if he knew there was something wrong, but was not able to name it.

„I don't mind, just get some sleep. I wake you in two hours." She pointed to the bottom bunk, still avoiding his glance.

Daryl yielded. He took his vest of, put his crossbow right beside the bed and flopped onto the bed. Stretching himself he yawned. There was a loud growl in his stomach, but hunger was not important now. With one hand he rubbed his chin, his beard and eyed her silhouette at the window with a contemplative wrinkle on his forehead.

„So we gotta start over?", she asked, still staring onto the dark city outside of the window. Without lights, driving cars, glowing advertisings the city appeared dead. Dark, depressing and dead.

„Yah.", Daryl answered, his voice full of optimism.

„Do you?", Carol asked, daring a short glimpse to him over her shoulder.

„I'm trying.", he answered honestly and looked to the floor. Sometimes he felt as if Carol was able to look into the darkest corner of his inner self, so that she was able to even see the unspoken thoughts.

Minutes slid away. Daryl made no move to sleep and Carol was still looking at Atlanta. Lost in her thoughts. In her memories.

„What's on your mind?", Daryl murmured. Something about what was going on with her didn't felt right. As if something was in imbalance but he still wasn't able to conceive what it was.

Carol hesitated, bevor she began to speak. How should she clothe her thoughts in words? But on the other hand – this was Daryl. If someone was able to understand her thoughts, then he. He was so much alike her it sometimes was frightening her. She turned to him, looked at his figure lying on the small bed.

„We won't find any safe shelter for us. There is no safety anymore." She intended to say much more. But she only brought forward those words. Her eyes were so cloudy and sad.

„Why are you here then?", he asked, still capturing her glance.

„I'm trying." And a implied smile flitted over her gloomy face.

She walked to the bottom bunk, sat down besides Daryl and flopped backwarts. She equally stretched her arms and legs, aching from the very long day. They lay besides each other, shoulder to shoulder across the small bed.

It was strange that his proximity suddenly felt awkward. Not unpleasant as if she didn't want to have him around or near her. No, it was the whole opposite. At that very moment she was so much aware of his nearness and she felt embarrassed. The silence between them felt awkward. Why?

„You never asked what happened with the girls.", she whispered, as if the words burned on her mind, fighting to get out.

„Yeah I know what happened. They ain't here.", he murmured, asking himself why she brought out this topic.

„It was worse than that." Carol swallowed heavily, felt how tears welled in her eyes. Shit, why was she so overemotional right now?

Without pondering he grabbed her hand. He tried to comfort her, feeling the lump in his throat as if it were his own. He didn't care what happened. All he wanted was to lighten her up. That she was her, Carol, and the strange new side on her would disappear.

Carol tensed as she felt his calloused skin touched hers. His hand was warm and rough. The touch sparked an intense glow in her and she was frightened as she recognized the feeling.

„Reason I said we start over is cause we gotta. Fuck the way it was..." He stopped speaking. Daryl was not much of a talker and he knew that she would unerstand what he tried to say.

„Yeah.", she wispered. Still staring at the ceiling of the top bunk. She did understand him. But she didn't respond to the soft pressure of his hand. She only permitted it and even that was hard enough. After all this time with Ed physical proximity was unfamiliar and something severe to stand. But with Daryl it was easier. And it was still getting easier. She could feel it.

All the time they didn't look at each other. They only lay side by side, staring at the ceiling of the top bunk. His thumb was stroking the back of her hand and she closed her eyes. A very intense tingling swirled through her body. As Daryl suddenly was aware of what he was doing he felt awkward in an instant. He actually wanted to comfort her but then he sensed this peculiar feeling, that sparked from the touch of her hand.

And he realized, that she realized it.

In that second he let go of her and pretended to rub his eyes.

A sudden bluster broke the awkward silence. Both rose synchronously. With a smooth movement Daryl stood up, grabbed his crossbow and shoved it in defense position. Carol followed as quickly with the rifle, that she had stored at the ladder of the bunk bed.

The bluster sounded again and armed like that they sneaked noiseless through the hall, following the noise. Daryl lifted a small flashlight and lightended the hall a little while Carol was having his back. And then they saw it.

Behind a door of frosted glas the shape of a female walker appeared. She knocked and scratched against the glas. Daryl and Carol exhaled. They had expected worse. Only one walker. No problem.

And then the second shape appeared. A child. Maybe three years old guessed from the size.

It was like a shock for Carol. She felt hot and cold and shattered in the very same second. And this time she was not able to control it. Or suppress it.

Sofia

Lizzie.  
Mika.

Ed.

Her subconscious regurgitated every moment of her past. Everything hidden in the darkest part of her soul came back to her in this moment. All the feelings. The pain, the grief, the rage. They gained the upper hand in her body.

Carols hand tried to reach out to the door knob. But Daryl shoved into her way, stopped her hand, the crossbow pointing to the floor as he was holding it only with one hand now.

„You don't want to." His glance was clear and anxious. And hers was only frozen. Absent. Now Daryl was really bothering about her. Her hand darted to reach the knob.

„You don't.", he whispered. His voice more certain now, his arm between her and the knob. He saw feelings appearing on her face, which he could not classify.

Carol turned, the rifle pointing to the floor, she walked back the the room. Her footsteps a fast rhythm on the dusty floor. She began to sob uncontrollable.

Daryl was just watching her. Not able to sort out what happened.

And then she broke down.


	4. Guilt

AN: Hi all! Your comments are very appreciated. So even if you don't like it, tell me. Come on, I can stand some criticism.

 **Guilt**

Carol broke down. She just fell on all fours into the room they had occupied. Loud sobs broke there way through her throat, which she didn't even register.

Pictures were exploding in her head and showed up before her inner eye. All of the bad, sad, the worst memories, which she had locked so deeply in her soul came up. One of the biggest, the most painful one, was the memory of Sophia. Her only child.

She wasn't able to protect her, even it was her task as her mother to do so. Her most important task and she failed. The guilt seized her, like an ice-cold hand, and shaked her. The guilt was on her.a

Carol didn't recognized anything around her. Everything went black while her past haunted her. The grief and the anger were burning in her, like the napalm that was thrown onto Atlanta.

The memory of Sophia automatically brought her back to Ed. Her whole body, all the scars were aching with this thought. All the beating, the abuse, the humiliation. She was to blame for it. That was what he told her then. She would have lost herself in this unfortunate marriage, if it was not for Sophia.

Sophia.

Carol crooked herself. As her mind came up with a lot of memorys on her daughter, the pain she felt was not just mental. It radiated through her whole body.

With the picture of Sophia Lizzie and Mika showed up in her mind. God, she killed a kid. A kid! It didn't even got bit and she killed it. She was so guilty for that.

The sobs went even louder through her body. It felt like someone was hitting her stomach with his feet. She held herself, her arm wrapped around her belly, as if to save herself from the invisible hits.

Karen and David. Carol crooked even more, as she remembered their deaths and the banishment, that came with it. All those losses pointless. All the grief and the pain. Everything wasted. Useless. It hit her so concentrated and she the feelings were so intense as if everthing had happened just a minute ago.

She only realized in this very second, that all the guilt, all the blame was on her. Weighing like several tons on her shoulder. She was responsible for all that. Was bearing that burden. And it pushed her to the floor literally.

Carol could feel how close she was to go insane. Her thoughts were running like a supersonic carrousel in her head and the whole room began to turn before her eyes.

It was that moment when a arm grabbed her from behind. He looped his arm around her belly very tightly and pulled her up. Carols body reacted in an instant. She had been out there too long on her own, fighting against walkers. She had been with Ed to long, as he treated her as if she was the scum of the earth. The fury, the guilt, the angiush were pushing through.

Carol began to flail around, as if she was fighting a walker. She didn't see the room, she didn't recognize that it was Daryl who was holding her – or was trying to. She couldn't see that he hadn't envisage with such an intense resistance from her. Daryl looked at her puzzled.

She just flailed around, was sobbing and began to scream at him. She could not hear that Daryl tried to comfort her. That he tried to understand what she was screaming and react to exactly that. That he got paler and paler as he understood that she didn't recognized him. He wasn't even there for her.

Carol was totally off. Her movements had such a force and energy, that Daryl began to stagger. He had no idea where she took all this strength from. She convolved in his grasp until she succeeded to turn. Daryl draw his knife and threw it under the bed. She didn't acted on him and he didn't took any risk on getting her hurt in any way.

Daryl grabbed her both of her upperarms and began to shake her. He somehow had to gain her attention.

„Carol, c'mon!", he yelled at her, not knowing what else to do.

Her glance was frozen and went just through him into the distance. But she still tried to convolve his grasp, lashed out as far as her arms allowed and kicked. Daryl dodged and her movements were such a force that he had to try to duck without letting go of her. By doing so he stumbled over his crossbow that he had laid on the floor as he went to her.

And then everything happened in the very same moment.

Daryl toppled, hitting the floor pretty bad with his head. He still hold her arms, so he pulled her with him inevitably. Carol fell over his crossbow, his legs and landed. On him.

The fall, the adrenaline, his proximity... Carol felt as if she had hit a wall with 150 mph. Time stopped ticking or was just going in slowmotion. As she found herself again, as she came back from this strange trip through her past, she found herself on Daryl.

She sat on Daryl to be more precisely.

Instinktively she had tried to raise again after the fall and sat straddled in his lap. Daryl had tried to cushion her fall and grabbed her hips. His hands were still there with a very firm touch. If the situation wasn't as serious at it was right now, Carol might have laughed about the irony in it. About the slapstick in this moment.

But she didn't laugh. She only looked at Daryl. It might have been only for a second. Only a second.

But for the very first time in her life there was a feeling running through her body. A feeling of... what? Love? Passion? Desire? She couldn't sort it out. The whole situation, her emotions, his proximity, his glance. It was just presposterous. But both paused, as if something was working inbetween them. There was a kind of cognition flashing in their eyes.

And then the second was over.

The loud noise of splintering glass echoed through the hall. Followed by the familiar moaning sound of walkers, as they were heading straight forward to them.


	5. Confession

_N/A: Hey all, I was always asking myself why the hell Carol never told Daryl about what had happened with Lizzie and Mika and everything. So that is why this chapter came to my mind. Enjoy it!_

 **Confession**

„Fuck", Daryl cursed and and removed Carol from his lap, like someone would shed off a blanket in the morning.

Carol landed on her butt very ungentle. She tried to orient in an instant. The noise of the walkers cam from the hall and noise level she could tell they were very near. Not more than two, Carol thought. Maybe the mother and child, which she had seen behind the glass of the door.

Intuitively her hand roamed to her belt and she recognized, that her knife was gone. Her eyes were searching for it right off then, scanning the ground until she got a glimpse of it unterneath the bed. What the hell? Smoother than she felt she moved on all fours to it, slipped unterneath the bed and fished for it. The cool metal felt comforting in her hand. When she got up her glance met Daryl. His crossbow was taut and leaning against his shoulder, aiming for what ever was to come for them. His whole body was on tension, just the hunter that he was. And still – he was more than that. Carol shook of the thought and closed up to him. One glimpse into the hall confirmed her very first thought. It were mother and child stumbling right into their direction.

Daryl released an arrow and hit the forehead of the mother-walker. Instantly she fell and her body hit the floor without any further movement. While she fell she buried her child unterneath her. Only the head and the arms looked out from under the motionless body. The eyes were cold, greedy, hungry. The hands inexhaustibly on the search for flesh, small fingers scratching over the wooden floor and the noise released a frigid shudder running down Carols spine. Suddenly she felt compassion with this small being. She shoved Daryl away, pushed herself before him into the hall. The knife still in her hand she walked to the little walker very resolutely.

When she kneeled beneath the child she just watched. It must have been a little girl one, the hair was longer and the shirt may have been pink a long time ago.

Carol felt everything as if it came through a kind of filter, although her senses were sharp and clear. She felt the dried tears on her cheeks, the sore feeling in her throat caused by the sobs, the burning feeling where Daryl had touched her hips, the aching in her heart. She saw that little walker and saw Sophia. And Mika. And Lizzie.

And suddenly the hand that was holding the knife stabbed the walker. Once. Twice. Carol lost count. It was like a frenzy. As if she had found a way to release the grief, the rage, the guilt. It felt so easing for her, so liberating how the pressure in her inner self ceased.

She couldn't stop.

Only when Daryls hand embraced her hand, which was holding the knife, she stopped and looked up to him. He just looked her straight in the eye.

„It's over.", he murmured.

His hand was warm and firm. The grip released a tingle in her hand, as if her blood was carbonated, and the feeling ran down her arm. She looked at his hand, saw her own hand. The knife was greased with blood, her whole arm was. The liquid was cold and smelled like a mixture of sewage and rotten eggs. Due to his grip Daryls hand was staining red as well.

She met his glance. His eyes were full of sorrow, his face strained. As if he tried to understand what was going on in her head. But she didn't even understand it by herself.

„It's my fault.", she croaked out. Avoiding his eyes now.

„What?", he asked. His hand was still holding hers. Was it to stop her from butchering that walker or to protect her against herself?

„Mika and Lizzie. It's my fault they died." Carol loosened her from his grip and sank from her crouching position right onto the floor. She didn't care that all the floor was splattered with blood. In that very moment she had to get rid of all the things she wanted to say. Now.

„Lizzie lived in her own world. She thought the walkers were her friends. She'd... She...", Carol swallowed so hard, wiping her eyes with the free hand as the memory shoved in her mind. „She killed Mika. For no reason. She tried to convince her sister that being a walker is the most beautiful thing on earth. She anatomized the bunnies and rats in the prison..."

The words sputtered out of her like a fountain. Her glance straggled as all the memories, all the pictures came back to her inner eye.

„She might have done something to Judith. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't..."

Daryl nodded. He understood. Of course he did.

But she wasn't finished yet. „Karen and David." She looked up and met his eyes bravely now. „It was my fault too. I couldn't stand to just watch how more and more people die just like flies. Somebody had to do something."

She opened her fist in which she was holding the knife and faced her hand. The metall blured with blood, her palm. The wrinkles in which the red liquid collected itself looked like thin red lines, which were trekking in a zig zag across her fingers.

„Rick didn't agree." She closed her hand again, clenching it around the metal. Facing that memory she felt this cold feeling again. To be left outside alone, to be dropped like a rotten fruit, that feeling she felt in the second Rick told her to leave. Carol had not believed to make it on her own. Without a group. At that very moment she was still picturing herself as the weak and broken woman she was when she was with Ed. The woman which didn't talked back, followed him without thinking and always tried to please him in almost every possible way. Grey, unremarkable, meek, without any sense of an own will.

But the time had proven to her that she was not that woman anymore. That woman had died a long, long time ago. Ed's Carol could not have done what she did at Terminus. Her face tightened.

„Mmmmh.", Daryl hummed. „There's got to be people doing the dirty work. Has to be done."

He placed himself right beside her on the dirty, filthy floor.

Carol only knew fragments of his past, only smal things of what he has done since the world had changed. But he never seemed harassed or touched by all of that. He always seemed tough sometimes even distant and cold. Even now, after this whole odd situation with her fall, he sat beside her as though nothing has happened.

She examined his face with her eyes. But she was so sure – she had seen it in his eyes. There had been more.

She felt that she could not ask him, could not pressure the whole situation. It would just draw him away. Daryl needed freedom, so did she. She knew it and respected it. But there was this doubt in her, this scepsis if he was able to love at all. Or more precisely, if he was able to be loved. She exhaled loudly. It was so hard to wait. Wait for him.

„You were with Beth? After the prison?" The moment the words left her mouth she asked herself why the hell she came up with that right no.

Daryls expression went gloomy in an instant and his eyes became so very sad. „Mmmmh. Until the people with the white cross grabbed her.", he murmured.

She watched every little sad, angry and broken sensation mirroring on his face.

„Grady is just around the corner.", she whispered.

Daryls fist clenched around his crossbow, which he was still holding in his hands. She could literally see how the thoughts were working behind his forehead. „First we need to know more about the group. See how much they are, how they're armed and if-" In that Moment a rumble interrupted Daryl. The noise came from the entrance, which had lead them to this rooms.

Promptly Daryl was on his foots, totally inaudible. The crossbow was in its position. Footsteps came nearer. The person was running very fast. Carpl raised herself and searched for her rifle with just her eyes. It took her a second to realize that the rifle was in their room. Judging by the intensity of the noise of the footsteps it was no walker. And there was no time left to fetch the weapon anymore.

With a blink of an eye the person would turn around the corner. Carol tensed and he fist clenched around the handle of her knife. She was standing right beside Daryl, whose crossbow was pointing right to the place the person must appear.

And really, it just took one more second and a lanky black teenager showed up. He stopped dead in ones tracks as he saw the crossbow pointing to his chest and the blood smeared people staring at him.

Of course they were staring at him. He was wearing the typical green clothing of hospital employees. The initials of the Grady plainly displayed underneath the neckline of the fabric.


End file.
